Dying to Know You

I'm not as close to God as I used to be. But, what I'm realizing is that my lack of faith does not nullify His faithfullness; He's still close to me. And He's still been teaching me. One thing I have been saying to Him a lot is just, "I believe You." Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the way I feel. But right now, even though I don't feel like God is very close, He's teaching me to have childlike faith to believe what He says.

My Father has been calling me back to, and beyond, what we once had. A few months ago, I read this verse and felt sure it was God's promise to me: "Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you" (Zechariah 9:12). Yes, there's still more! This fact goes against all the lies that I have listened to for so long.

The truth is, I cannot do anything. That sounds so simple, doesn't it? But not only can I do nothing, I am nothing. But the biggest mystery in the world is that God--who knows everything, created everything, holds everything-- is everything. What's more, He tells me, "I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" (Isaiah 41:13). Will I ever understand how incredible that fact is? Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get it, even after a million years with Jesus. I used to think that, as I grew closer to God, I would learn more complex truths. But now I see that the closer He brings me, the more clearly I see Him. And all the seemingly simple things become more amazing and real to me.

So, what in the world could ever keep me from running toward Jesus with my whole heart? And how could I not be fully committed to Him?

He is calling! He tells me to come and drink of the free gift of the water of life. I walk towards Him and the door He holds open for me. I approach with timidity, but I expect to be ushered in. There He stands at the great door! Yet, just as I am about to step over the threshold, He stops me, shaking His head sadly. I'm frustrated, of course and I ask Him why. He draws my attention first to all the self I have in me, then to the cross . . . .

He can't be serious! He wants me to die? To give up myself? No, there must be another way. But then I remember... He is the way; He made the only way. So, I must leave myself--all of it--at the door. After all, I have died. I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live. My life is hidden in His.

And I believe Him! I believe that I am nothing, that I'll never make it.. but I don't need to. And I believe that I must die . . . just to know Him. This is all so true, yet how often do I forget! But He is making something new spring up inside of me.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
Philippians 3:7-9